There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
