Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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