there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
