Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
