How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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