I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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