He is like the real live version of the state fair..
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
