did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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