what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
