3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
