She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Randomize
