What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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