I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
