I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize