My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I pour the whiskey from now on
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize