i jhust puked up my retainher.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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