I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
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