I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Randomize