just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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