its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
