if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
