he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
