3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
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