Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
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I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
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I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.