she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
Why is there bacon in the couch?
Randomize
