the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
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