So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
