All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
