I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I could fuck to npr.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
