Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
