Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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