fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
