I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Randomize
