dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
best googles of the semester: toe fucking, purpose of two nostrils, human tail. with pictures
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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