ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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