Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
I think I might stay on campus instead of going home for thanksgiving and see how many townies I can hook up with and no one will be around to judge
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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