i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
Randomize
