Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
Randomize
