I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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