I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
