When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
