If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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