I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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