Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Randomize
