I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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