I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
