his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE AWKWARD SEXUAL EXPERIENCES WITH HIM.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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