the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
