my soul wont recognize me after tonight
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize