If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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