his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
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