4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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