Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Hyyypothetically, what would you do if you happened to see my boobs on the internet?
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
