he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
FUCK WHALES
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
