he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Randomize
