She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
My bed is full of blood and feathers
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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