those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
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